Congratulations on making it this far into the holiday season without strangling an elf. Only 14 more days until we all get to sit around our christmakwanzakka bush and sing songs about 8 tiny reindeer and how they kept a candle going for eight days while under siege, only to realize the 7 principles of life, as dictated by the Koran. Did I mention Feats of Strength?
While shopping for me will be easy this year, (I just received 25 copies of my new book, The Starving Artist’s Guide to New York City, available on the link to the side) it might not be so easy for y’all. Here’s my suggestion: If you’re an artist, get rid of some of the works you are less than fond of to your parents. They love stuff like that. If your a musician, do a live performance, record it, and give it away as stocking stuffers. Sure, your siblings probably don’t listen to your music, but what the heck? They won’t say anything ’cause it’s Christmas.
This year, I’m doing a lot of my holiday shopping on Amazon. The newest Harry Potter is selling for just $10! If you get your order over $25, you get free shipping and they are prompt. I also plan on hittin’ up a Goodwill at some point in the near future to see what kinda crazy stuff I can get for my fam. No one needs to know that you got mom that pair of electric socks at the Goodwill.
I’ve also been experimenting with some homemade gifts this year. The whole thing started a week ago when I got a few bottles of Three-Buck Chuck at Trader Joe’s. I’ve always wanted to make a Wine Bottle Guitar Slide, but I’ve never had the right tools. Until now…
Last week, my bathroom had what I call a perfect storm. First, the toilet stopped flushing. Then, the tiles on one of the walls began falling down. I pulled the top of the toilet off and fooled around with the hoozey-whatzit, and WHAM! An eight-foot gush of toilet water sprung from the depths of it’s poopy den. After being immediately rained down upon by god-knows-what, I managed to shake loose some Calcium deposits that had accumulated. After 10 seconds of chaos, I managed to get the pump back on and order was restored.
Johnny-1, Bathroom, 0. Well, maybe the bathroom tied it up with the poop geyser.
After fixing that glitch, I had to head down to the local hardware store and get some materials, one of which was a ceramic-cutting hacksaw blade. Upon reading what it could do, I realized I had created a perfect storm of my own–I now had the materials to finally make a wine-bottle guitar slide. It was also the same materials to get glass all up in my hands in a very bloody fashion. These things cost upwards of $10, like the one here.
I read the directions for making the slide, which are as follows:
1. Buy and drink a bottle of wine. ( Approx. $3) Check.
2. Buy and attach a Tungson-Carbonide Gritted hacksaw blade (Approx. $5) Check.
3. Start sawing a circle around the neck of the bottle, about three-four inches below the bottle opening. Do this for about 10-15 minutes.
4. Take a candle and start going around the line that you’ve made with the hacksaw. Do this for 2-3 minutes.
5. Place the bottle neck under cold running water.
At this point, the bottle should “pop,” releasing the two parts of the bottle right on the line that you sawed.
The next step needs gloves! Learn from my mistake and you won’t have to get stitches.
6. Go outside and grind the fresh cut on the cement outside of your house. Be gentle and remember that it is glass–It can break if you aren’t careful.
TADA! You now have your very own glass bottle guitar slide, and you can give them to all of your musician friends.
So those are a few of the holiday ideas/endeavors/occurrences of this 2009 holiday season. My hope is to get a podcast up at some point, but as all of you know I’ve gotten fairly lazy at creating them and putting them up. I think I’ve gotten on a one-per-month schedule.
To all of you, a merry christmas and a happy new year!
Oh, and tomorrow is Santa Con at Washington Square Park, which is basically thousands of people dressed up as Santa converging on one place at 10am. Quite the sight to see. Only in New York.